I posted a recording on facebook.
I haven't done this in a long time
because of the questions. Every time I think about making a recording
public in facebook or on my website, these questions appear in my
head like an army of very loud mosquitoes. You've probably never
heard them since I'm the Only Musician On Earth With Issues, everyone
else looking pretty sane and normal and calm from where I'm standing.
If one day, however, you hear this strange buzzing sound approaching
you from a distance, you should know what's coming. Here they are.
"Is it good enough?"
It could've been better, you know. The
bassline could've been more distinct, better shaped. There was the
pedal at the end that I'm not sure about - too much? Too obviously
romantic?
"What would Ilmo say?"
Ilmo Ranta is a Finnish pianist and one
of the best lied coaches on this planet. He has very high standards
that are always just out of my reach. Surely he would cringe at the
first bar and make me play it again in a far more imaginative way
that made the music shine.
"What if people will think that
I'm really proud of this recording and not aware of the shit things?"
I have
the urge to post recordings with explanatory essays that detail
everything I'm not happy with, so that people would know that I know:
"To whom it may concern: I don't claim to be perfect or great by
posting this recording. I know the beginning is really quite normal
(as in 'not extraordinary in any
way') and that the transition on page three is a bit clumsy. I'm also
aware of all the unclear left hand stuff that appears throughout the
piece. With these shortcomings, your humble servant still has the
audacity to offer her recording for the world to hear. Sincerest
apologies, Jenna"
"Is
it any good?"
This
question has a tendency of repeating itself a lot. Usually there are
no answers.
"What
does this say about me?"
What
sort of message am I sending with this particular piece? Have
I posted too many pieces like this before - will people think I can't
do anything else?
"Can
I say I love this piece?"
Admitting
that a particular piece is close to my heart - that makes it even
worse. If I care about a piece very deeply, I'm supposed to have a
Super Interpretation of it. My recording should just Pour From The
Heart like little drops of magic gold wisdom and love. Listening to
it should be a transcendental experience because of all these
emotions that drip from the speakers like nectar. Oh well.
"There
are already millions of recordings out there - why would mine be
needed?"
Of
course it's mainly about advertising myself. I hate that, but it's
how it is. The songs are musical calling cards I put out there so
people would get curious.
"But
why not?"
If I
get to this question, I'll post the damn thing. Because why not,
indeed. However it could be improved, it is me playing the piano to
the best of my ability on that particular day, in that particular
space. That is how the song shaped itself in front of me that day,
and I felt happy and content travelling through its landscape.
P.S.
Us musicians, we face fear all the time. Fear of failure, fear of
rejection. We find ways to cope with it and we learn to control it,
but let's not fool ourselves by pretending it's not a part of our
lives. One way I'm facing my own fears is writing them out for all of
you to read - and with that writing process, letting them go. Another
great way of letting go is simply focusing on the music. It is why we
are what we are, after all.
